why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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