as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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