Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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