It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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