Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
