Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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