I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
