I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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