So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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