True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
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We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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