I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
