I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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