hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
