the condom got lost in my hair
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
