just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
