I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
