every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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