I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
