i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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