In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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