update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
