saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
