Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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