John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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