fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Your topless pictures make me question reality
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