Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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