i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
