Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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