he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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