If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
