Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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