woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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