Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
