Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
