I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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