I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
