It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
there is puke in my bra ... again
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
