I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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