I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
