i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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