I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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