i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
