I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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