you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
