I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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