He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
