I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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