Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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