What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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