can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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