and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
