Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
