sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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