No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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