Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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