dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
